I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
