Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
