You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
