the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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