Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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