my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
