A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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