my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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