Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
