Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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