The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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