Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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