we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have post one night stand depression
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