You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
