were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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