I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hippo gnu deer
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
