New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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