Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
