This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
