I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
