Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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