my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
