You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
