We're like a lot better than the average bears
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
