Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
