I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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