I think I won the penis lottery.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
