I am midnight drunk by noon
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
