Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
