Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
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when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
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My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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