haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
