Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
