I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
