My brain says no but my pants say off.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
