How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
