every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
