I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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