Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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