Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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