Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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