I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
