why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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