If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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