Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
