This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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