theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
