i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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