Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
