Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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