My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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