does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
