I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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