I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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