the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
