i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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