I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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