my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
