hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
