Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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